Disciplining the Young Disciples

The fourth in a series of articles on disciplining and discipling our children

ne of the hardest things about parenting is the constant challenge of change in the life of these young disciples. About the time you begin to feel good about how you have guided this creature into the ranks of humanity, they enter into the next stage of development. All of a sudden you discover that you need an entire new set of skills and ways of guiding this growing, expanding, ever-learning, ever-changing being.

Remember the first day you sent little Johnny off to kindergarten? He looked so cute. Your little toddler dressed up like a little man. You encouraged him, "Johnny, it is going to be so much fun. Listen to everything your teacher tells you." He looks up with those big trusting eyes, "Yes, mommy."

Johnny goes to school each day. He seems to be Okay. You begin to think, "We did it again. We weathered another challenge through the rocky waters of development." Until the teacher calls and asks you to come in to talk about Johnny's social skills.

"Social skills! Why, my Johnny has always been socially adept in the home, and besides he's an academic giant. It must be the teacher," you conclude.

She asks you to stay and observe and then you see it. Johnny really doesn't play well with the other children. He doesn't know how to share. Your world comes crashing in and you wonder why God ever allowed you to be a parent. Thankfully, the teacher has a few suggestions.

That night you call a family meeting. You and your husband must find a way to help Johnny before he ends up in a school for the socially inept. You develop your plan and begin to work it over the year. In time, with many successes and failures, Johnny begins to learn how to communicate and play with the other children.

Parenting is not an exact science. The rules of the game are constantly changing. What was once off limits and meant a spanking soon becomes a means of employment and responsibility. Two or three times a week around my house you may hear, "It's time to scoop the dog poop." Believe me when I tell you those are dangerous words to a toddler.

The primary years of school (kindergarten through grade three) require the new set of parenting skills I have been talking about. There are three major areas of development that you will need to be mindful of:

Your child will begin to discover there are other authority figures in their lives. Obviously this is the teacher, but there are others such as the principal, the other faculty, even the janitor tells them how and how not to act. Supporting these authorities, as you delegate the care of your child, can often be more challenging for the parents than the child. After all, your little angel would never challenge authority.

Remember the first time you were caught testing the speed limits. Did that 50km sign really mean 50km? You may have had a very legitimate reason for doing 70km through this obvious speed trap. The RCMP did not seem to understand although they did help you remember that this is a 50km zone.

Just about every child will test the authorities in their life. They will watch how you respond. If you are constantly coming to their rescue they will learn how to manipulate the situation so that mom or dad will save them from the "evil teacher." Often the best way to help our child when things are tough for them at school is to stank back and let them receive what comes. This takes courage because your natural inclination is to protect.

The authorities in your child's life may not always get it right. They may not understand your child's special needs and circumstances. Nevertheless, it is almost always better to let your child take their lumps than to come running to their aid every time they have a run-in with teacher.

I say "almost always" because in the rare situation of abusive authority, it is your role to step in. The best way to determine this is to spend time in the classroom. Every primary teacher would welcome your help.

Be careful not to be to quick to judge the teacher's approach to classroom management as abusive. Keep in mind that part of your child's development is learning how to appreciate the different ways people do things. Though you may not always agree with the specific approach, it is more important to teach respect for the position.

Your child will begin to develop their social skills. The first day your child comes home with a cut or a bruise received while playing with all those other undisciplined, bad, little kids will be tough. Don't forget that how you respond will teach far more to your child than the little incident that caused the pain.

Forgiveness and love are the hard but necessary choices for the Christian. This is true of you when a co-worker mistreats you at the workplace. It is no different on the playground. Guiding our children through the difficulties of relationships is often the most painful part of the process. Relationships are the most painful thing in your life and they will be the same for your children.

Keep in mind 'it takes two to tangle.' There are very few situations when your child is completely free from any blame. When you evaluate your own challenges in relationships you invariably will see the part you played in any problem. Realize the same is true for your child. They will react the same as you do. We initially will think that any conflict is always the fault of the other person. When they relate what happened they will tell their side of the story. Be careful not to judge the situation until you hear the other side. It is not unusual for a teacher or principal to hear the horrific wounds afflicted upon one child only to hear the exact same thing from the parents of the other child.

Navigating our way through the challenges of relationships is difficult for us in our complex world. It is often equally true on the playground. Help your child to react and respond in the spirit of Christ.

Your child is beginning their journey of learning and discovery. For most children this is an exciting time. Education becomes the gateway to the world. But this to has its various challenges.

Children often develop at different speeds. What was easy for one is often hard for another. It is important that we, as parents, intuitively help each child through their struggles. I remember when Josiah came home with his first spelling test. He didn't fare well. His brother and sister before him seemed to fly through their spelling. My first reaction was to think there must be something wrong here. Thankfully, I kept my tongue and began the weekly practice of helping him learn to spell. At first each word was a struggle, but I learned to make it fun. We began to do a rap and a little dance with the words and bingo, he began to catch on. Now spelling is his strongest subject.

No two children are alike. It is critical that you don't compare one with the other. It may take a little longer with some. Be patient. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

In some situations you may need to evaluate if your child needs learning assistance or extra help. Don't be afraid to discuss this with your child's teacher. They are trained educators and know how to bring your child along into the next phase of learning. Learn to trust their assessment yet don't be afraid to approach the principal if you need further help.

Finally, this is wonderful time in your child's life. It is a time of discovery, new friendships and development. They are still very responsive to your input. They react and respond primarily by how you react and respond. You are still their hero. I promise this will change, enjoy it while it lasts.

Pastor Greg Bitgood

Go to the previous Article in the Series         Go back to the Essay Page          Go back to the Home Page