Disciplining the Very Young Disciples
The third in a series of articles on disciplining and discipling our children

isciplining children when they are in the early stages of development will set the stage for your relationship throughout your parenting experience.

My wife and I locked into a philosophy of parenting right from the start. We decided that we would approach parenting from this perspective: "Our children came into our lives, we did not come into theirs." This means that our lives dictate what their lives will look like, not the other way around, at least while they are young.

Christine and I have chosen a very demanding career. Pastoring requires an unusual commitment by our entire family. When we worked part-time at our last church I ran a wall-papering business as well. Christine was my helper and we packed our firstborn with us everywhere we went. Since then, our children have been involved with our ministry and work. They really don't have much of a choice - they came into our life, not the other way around.

I don't want to be unrealistic. I understand that you cannot take children to every job; I am not suggesting that. What I am trying to illustrate is a basic philosophy that will determine your approach towards discipline and discipleship. Your children are not the centre of the earth. From the very start a parent must be committed to liberating them from the natural belief that they are the only thing that matters.

With the newborn infant it means not giving in to their every whimper. To the toddler it means teaching them over and over that there really are other people on the earth. To the elementary child it means helping them appreciate what others desire even more than what they desire. To the middle school child it means releasing them to fall into the mistakes and problems that greater independence creates. To the high schooler it means holding them accountable to the values and responsibilities they now possess.

The watershed years of parenting, where the stage is set, is between 15 months and six years, give or take a few months on either side. It is during these formative years that your philosophical approach will determine the rest of your relationship. Who is really going to be in charge? Who is going to figure out how to get what they want? Who's job is it to please who?

As I stated last week, corporal punishment (spanking) is a necessary element to seeing this through. When a child willfully challenges the authority of a parent or has resorted to dishonesty, then spanking is an appropriate means of punishment and deterrent. "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." (Prov 23:13-14 NIV).

If we will commit ourselves to being diligent and consistent with every expression of rebellion during the younger years, by the time your child reaches ten or eleven spanking will be a thing of the past.

Consistency has been our greatest challenge. First, my wife and I have had to be united in our approach towards discipline. This has meant communication and patience with each other. We have become a team in our parenting. She does not act independently of me, nor I of her.

Secondly, we have done all that we can to set aside our emotions when we bring discipline. Are we punishing the child because we are angry or are we appropriately correcting an inordinate behavior? Your emotions will always cloud your judgment if they are permitted to determine your response. Never, never spank your child out of anger. You will almost always lose your objectivity.

Third, use every intuitive skill God gave you to determine if a spanking is really what is needed. Very often your child is not challenging your authority. They may have been curious or foolish. Resorting to spanking to control nervous energy can often do more harm than good. The child will not understand why they are being treated so severely for just being themselves.

Fourth, don't believe them. Sooner or later every child will try to lie their way out of the consequences of their actions. If we do not severely deter this short-cut then they will grow up constantly sneaking their way through life. I have observed some of the finest, most well-behaved, clean cut, well adjusted kids try to weasel their way out of the consequences of their actions. Some may ask, isn't it important to show our children that we trust them? Yes, if they have shown you over and over that they can be trusted. But, and I mean a big but, it is exceedingly more important that they learn they can never escape the consequences of their actions. Keep in mind that the truth according to their version may not be the truth as it happened. Any bout of sibling rivalry will demonstrate that point.

Here are our suggested guidelines for administering a spanking:

• Try to always take the child aside to a private place where you can talk about what happened. For us this has become the washroom. If at all possible do not spank your child in public. This will create a sense of shame that goes beyond the parent-child relationship, particularly as a child grows older. Don't spank your child in front of their siblings. It should always be a private moment between you and the child. With toddlers this may be difficult, but it will eliminate a lot of misunderstanding from others.
• Talk with your child and explain why they are receiving the spanking. Explain what they did and how it violated your authority in their life. It is important that the child understands why they are being spanked. It may be that you realize their actions were not a challenge of your authority. You can take the opportunity to reinforce your rules and the next time this happens they will know they have acted out of rebellion. I've always tried to reinforce my positive expectations with statements such as, "You're such a good boy; the way you are acting is not really who you are. This will help you to remember that you really don't want to grow up like this."
• Administer the spanking so that the child knows you are serious. I am not suggesting an abusive beating. I have rarely had to give more than three swats with our little paddle. Nevertheless, it should be unpleasant; there should be tears. I have always tested the swat on my own leg first in order to determine how hard to sting but not to bruise. It is important that they do come to a place of remorse. Have courage; the pain only lasts for a short time.
• Hold your child and comfort them while communicating your love for them. Usually your child will start to truly apologize. If they pull away and won't receive your love then it may indicate they are not yet remorseful. For some children it may take another swat or two. Be patient; talk with them. Teach them how to show true repentance. It is very important for you to reestablish the bond of love and affection between you and the child.
• Pray with them and help them receive forgiveness from you and God. A short prayer of forgiveness will help them realize that they can be completely clean when they walk out of the room, both with you and the Lord.
• Help them follow through on any restitution they need to make with others that might be involved. Very often they need to go to another sibling or child and ask their forgiveness. Walk them through until the entire event is finished.

I know this all takes time, especially with little ones. You may repeat this exercise a dozen times in a day. I promise you, it will pay off later in life. Your children will grow to call you blessed because you loved them enough not to let them get away with their rebellion! "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul." (Prov 29:17 NIV).

Pastor Greg Bitgood

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