Disciplining the Disciples
The second in a series of articles on disciplining and discipling our children
isciplining children is often the most challenging aspect of parenting.
No one will argue that all children require discipline. Training in any context involves correcting the disciple's wrong thinking and behavior. The real controversy begins when we talk about the how to's of discipline.
It is unfortunate that the controversy of discipline has blinded our eyes to much larger issues on the topic. The question to spank or not to spank has overshadowed the many aspects and methods of training our children.
I remember listening to a conversation on a radio talk show where a parent was considered narrow minded because they used spanking as a form of discipline. The host commented, "I've learned to use many forms of discipline to help guide my child." She cut the caller off without realizing that she was the one who was taking the narrow approach by eliminating one of the forms of discipline available to her. Certainly any experienced parent knows that you cannot just employ one or two methods in discipline.
I remember another conversation with a parent who did take the narrow approach saying that what all children need is a lot more spankings. This one dimensional approach produces one dimensional children and can border on abuse.
So here is the million dollar question: "Do I believe in spanking as an appropriate form of discipline?" Of course I do. "Do I think it is the only form of discipline?" Not even close!
I have found that when to apply this form of discipline is just as important as how to apply it. "Discipline your son in his early years while there is hope. If you don't you will ruin his life" (Prov 19:18 TLB). I can't stress enough how important it is to commit yourself as a parent to early childhood discipline. From about fifteen months to six years are certainly the most important time in the process. Ironically, it tends to be the most demanding of our energy. Their new-found freedom of mobility often initiates the process, or as one harried mother put it "the battle to end all battles." The more diligent you are at this phase in their life, the easier it will become later.
When does a child need physical correction? Dr. James Dobson (my personal favorite author on parenting) said it well in his book Parenting isn't for Cowards, "The philosophy I am recommending is not born of harshness. It is conceived in love. Corporal punishment is reserved specifically for moments of willful, deliberate, on-purpose defiance by a child who is old enough to understand what he is doing. These challenges to authority will begin at approximately fifteen months of age and should be met with loving firmness."
The wise sage of Proverbs said it thousands of years ago, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." (Prov 22:15 KJV). The Living Bible is even more direct, "A youngster's heart is filled with rebellion, but punishment will drive it out of him." This doesn't sound like "time out." The Word of God is clearly telling us that physical punishment is a necessary part of parental discipline. Proverbs is even more graphic, "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." (Prov 23:13-14 NIV). Believe it or not the New International Version was about the tamest of the renderings.
Notice the eternal consequences of discipline. If we do not commit ourselves to dealing with our child's rebellion we could be jeopardizing their eternal destiny. I can hear the scoffing thought that says "You mean to tell me that if I don't spank my child, then they will go to hell?!" First off, I didn't write the Bible, yet I do believe that God inspired those words above. So your argument isn't necessarily with me. Secondly, if you don't figure out a way to deal with your child's natural inclination to challenge authority, then yes, they are in desperate trouble.
Now, lest you get the wrong impression, let me clarify when we apply physical punishment. My wife and I agreed from the start that we would only use physical punishment when our children directly opposed our authority or if they were being dishonest. We do not use it when they break something or when their childhood foolishness gets them into predicaments.
I will never forget the first time I had to deal with a "cute," impish little moment with my firstborn. He was reaching for our stereo. We firmly said "no," picked him up and moved him somewhere else to distract him. He quickly motored back to the stereo and we repeated the exercise two more times. Then it came, he crawled back to the same spot turned and looked right at me as he reached for the forbidden knob. One could not have scripted it better for this defining moment of our relationship. Who was going to be respected? Who was going to win this simple confrontation of wills? Quietly and assuredly, I went over and thumped his hand with a flick of my fingers. Time froze. He didn't realize at the moment what happened then his nervous system shouted pain. A new revelation came to him that the one who gave him food, who would toss him into the air with squeals of delight, who cuddled him in the night, could also bring such pain. From that moment our relationship changed. Now he would have to evaluate his every move, now he would have to look to me for the solution to his pain. He would have to learn to respect my authority. Hundreds of spankings later I have lovingly shown my children respect for authority.
If we don't discipline our children when they are young, someone else will. It might be the principal or the coach. It might be, God forbid, the police and the justice system. One way or another, every person will be forced to deal with authority.
One last thought, parents; don't make the mistake of leaving the discipline to your spouse. Your children must learn to respect both of you as their authority figures. Too often children are told, "You just wait till your father comes home" or "your mother will not be pleased." Your children will get an incorrect picture of your role in their life. They will also learn to play one against the other. Have courage to be consistent. This will mean that you and your spouse must communicate on how and when to punish. Learn to share this responsibility.
It is more important for you to be your child's parent than their friend. If you are firm, loving and consistent when they are little they will grow up to bless you. "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul." (Prov 29:17 NIV). The good news is that it will pay off later in life!
Next week I will bring some guidelines on how to apply corporal punishment in a loving and consistent manner.
Pastor Greg Bitgood
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