The War for Independence
By Pastor Greg Bitgood

I appreciated the response many of you gave to my column in our last newsletter called "A Dad's Priorities." At the risk of playing out this popular theme with just another sequel I will attempt to write something meaningful.

To write about parenting is often the most difficult task, for you cannot think of parenting as an exact science. Science is governed by three distinct principles. A phenomenon must be measurable, observable and repeatable. The difficultly with parenting is that it fits none of these categories for very long. Anytime I finally become comfortable with a measurable element in my child's life I am rudely awakened by the fact that in two weeks time they will outgrow the comfort zone I have developed. I have realized that the only two methods to deter this constant upheaval of change in my measurements of where they are at is to never feed the little eating machines or simply never teach them to speak. Unfortunately, if I never feed them they will learn other forms of communication that will be far more effective than the spoken word. Secondly, children, at the best of times do not lend themselves to the scientific method of observation. Have you ever attempted to follow a two year old around your house for a day. It would take equipment more sophisticated than the Hobble Telescope to record such exertions of energy and curiosity. Science bases its discoveries upon the ability to predict phenomenon by repeating the exact same circumstances to get the exact same results. To apply this science to child rearing would be dashed in the sea of trillions of behaviour variables. An onlooker might assume that if a particular method of guidance works for one then it must work for all. Guess again. I often wonder if God made each child so unique just to keep us on our toes.

All this talk about science does bring me to consider the greatest paradox and challenge of parenting. How much independence do I give today? These wondrous and elaborately complex creatures come rushing into our lives utterly dependent upon the two people responsible for its conception. In the beginning everything from eating, sleeping, cuing, codling and b.m.-ing are all directly dependent upon mom and dad. However time has a way of speeding by and before you know it they are walking and talking and insisting on their own independence. We are faced with constant questions. Do I let them do this now? Are the old enough for that yet? Can I let them do this on their own? To complicate matters, what was right for one child at that age may not be right for the other. Then we have the personal emotional turmoil of letting go of our little dependants. Often our own identity and self worth are wrapped up in our role as parents.

I don't have any easy answers. As I said before, this is the greatest challenge of parenting. I do know that if we can manage the delicate balance of independence verses dependence then we will succeed in raising secure responsible human beings. I am told that in the later years of child rearing great comfort can be taken from the fact that they to will one day be subjected to this cyclical paradox of parenting their own children. I have heard many a parent strike fear into their young adult child by simply mentioning, "One day you will have children and they will treat you how you treat me!" There is some justice in it all.

Here are some of the principles I have tried to keep in mind on this road towards independence:

• Keep in mind that this is always the goal. Keeping our children dependent upon us will eventually deprive them of the necessary skills to cope with all that life sends them in the future. God has placed a desire in the heart of every child towards independence. Don't fight it, learn to use it in order to shape the child's direction and abilities. Just recently I found myself encouraging my oldest son to go out and do some exploring of the neighbourhood with his best friend. I know those boyish desires are already developing in him. My intention was to allow him to embark on his explorations during a time when I was comfortable with him going out. I gave him a deadline to be back and he honoured it. He is at the age when it is important for him to strike out on his own, but not too far. Next time I may give him just a little more time and encouragement. I believe that much of the rebellion that goes on between parents and teens only happens because both have not been able to balance the expectations of independence.
• The parent from time to time must enforce the path towards independence. I can recall some of the wonderful experiences I have had trying to enforce the use of cutlery with my young ones. Though this often became an exercise in food propulsion I am glad that I insisted that they learn to feed themselves. I have rediscovered the joys of eating my own food while it still retains some BTU's. One of the greatest moments of independence was when my wife stopped buying the dreaded disposable diaper. The entire family celebrated when we declared our last child officially potty trained. Though the excitement did create a small accident. Parent, it is your job to see that your child becomes independent of YOU!
• It is your place to guide the independence; we call this discipline. It is more important for you to define the limitations in the lives of your children than it is to be their friend. Their predisposition towards independence will cause them to test the limits of their freedom. It is those times when those limits must be sure and often you will have to sacrifice being the friend and pal for being the firm wall that guides them to disciplined independence.
• Independence is both painful and dangerous, yet it is important and inevitable. Imagine the millions of dollars that could be saved in health care if we avoided the cuts, bruises, stitches, bandages and trips to emergency if we never taught our children to walk. My wife babysat a huge eight month old baby several years ago. This kid was twice the normal weight for kids his age. It was like carrying around an enormous cantaloupe everywhere she went. No, walking is good; walking is very, very good. But don't forget that it will hurt.
• An independent faith is the most important of all. I firmly believe that God has no grandchildren. Every child must choose on their own whether or not they will serve God. We cannot force our children to become Christians we can only guide them in how they will think about Christianity. We must teach them, we must pray for and with them but we must also find creative ways to inspire them to make their own decisions for Christ. Don't assume that your child has made their own independent decision because they go to Church with you or are in the Christian School. Talk to them, listen to them, pray. Your child's soul is far too important to ignore, yet they must arrive at a place of faith independent of your faith. This does not mean that you need to expose them to everything under the sun. All that I am saying is, they must choose independent of you; just because they grow up in a Christian home does not make them a Christian.

Believe it or not, there is great joy in watching and helping your child on the path of independence. God has seen to it that it will happen one way or the other. I want to be able to cooperate with the process and not be fighting it every step of the way.

Pastor Greg Bitgood has the oversight of Super Church and works closely with his wife, Christine.

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